Quarantine got me doomed, probably best sums up everything. It got me thinking and feeling a lot of what I normally would avoid in the last 5 years. Hey, this is in no way shape or form a mere complaint on not being able to be outside. I am a homebody at heart, oftentimes I shy away from human interactions for the sake of my well-being. But, being isolated with my own thoughts is so overwhelming, to say the least, and it keeps on evoking new questions on my head and slowly my brain just starts unpacking this giant ugly emotional baggage I never thought existed in the first place. Perhaps I’ve subconsciously succumbed to the habit of pushing away feelings that I think were no good to me until it gets to the point that it builds up to become a ticking time bomb sets ready to explode whenever. And sadly this is the unfortunate time.
Just like probably anybody on this planet at this specific time of uncertainty (duh) who can’t find anything better to do so dozing off for an extra hours of sleep instantly becomes a new trend. It’s nothing like I don’t have things I should do, it’s just I’m feeling a lot of things. I used to think I’ve become numbed for so long that I kept asking myself, when did I just stop feeling things? where was the turning point? how come I never actually saw it coming? To my surprise, those questions quickly transform themselves into an even more daunting ones. I was taking a nap the other day, not a casual one, but a nap as in I’m-so-fucked-I-need-to-shut-down-a-bit, and woke up just to feel that I’m terrifyingly lonely than I could’ve ever been in my entire life. The worst thing was I don’t think it’d be less lonely by the compensation of anyone’s company. It soon becomes, “when did it become like this?”, “why did the last 5 years of my life dissappear as soon as it starts and why the hell didn’t I stop for a while to take a quick peaceful notice of it?”. It was then more than ever I realized of how much I’ve been losing and will keep on losing. I’m living but definitely not moving forward.
For the last couple of years I’ve been having this urge to dissappear for no damn reason. There’s gotta be a reason behind it, I’m prolly just too shallow to even realize or I’m too much of a coward to find myself deep dived into something I’m not familiar with. It has nothing to do with being alive or not nor does it have anything to do with suicidal thoughts. It’s been a while I’ve so passed the phase of desparetely wanting to die. Everybody has their own suicidal thoughts, I mean c’mon, what’s even new? For me, it is only a matter of how you want to gather up the courage to try process it, which surely makes each person’s suffering differs from one another. Granted, I’ve come to terms with it, but confronted with more distressing thing that I’m still trying to navigate my way to understand what it really is. At some point I thought of going to a therapist to sort things out. However, I’d like to think if you decided to go to a therapist first you have to get ready to be helped or else it’s a waste of money. Being vulnerable is the key, though, in everything. Vulnerable is a shield. Metaphorically speaking, if you went to a therapist, then you need to be brave enough to feel “naked” in front of a person. You have to commit yourself in being vulnerable, so the layers within guranteed to be perfectly examined. I’m in no way ready to assign myself into that kind of business. I simply hate the feelings of other people watching me and them thinking that I don’t have it all together or realizing I’m just so much of a mess.
Another long-term enemy of mine is guilt. Guilt is in no doubt included in my top list of engrossing things. There are so many things I felt guilty about but it’s silly to even put it that way since there’s no way have I ever asked a permission to breathe in this shitty world. I’m mostly feel guilty about retracting myself from any forms of human interactions, be it friendship, family, let alone romantic relationship (like, geez..). I wondered too much if whether it’s bad enough for me for not being able to find connection with anybody in this world. It wasn’t until a couple of days ago that I watched Hayley William’s interview talking about her solo album with Zane Lowe did I begin to figure things out. I’m telling you, it’s such a wholesome interview because it’s more of a therapy session in disguise. During the session, Zane asked something about what is it that keeps her going. She replied by saying that it was her puppy. And I got all teared up. It just broke my heart as much as it solely shed light on me. So much clarity and honesty put in that answer. It all comes down as funny how you can have so many things to say to people and can still be utterly detached with the rest of the world.
….You realize, of course, that Hermione Granger lit a teacher on fire when she was eleven, and kept a person alive in a jar for a year when she was fourteen, and studies dark and forbidden magics for kicks, and is one of the brightest and strongest witches of her era. If she came at me, even wandless, I would aparate to Neptune to get away from her.
Hermione Granger also:
punched Draco Malfoy in the nose for being an idiot
purposefully performed a confundus charm on whatshsface WHILE HE WAS FLYING just so Ron would win (omfg that is so fucking dangerous)
literally pulled a fucking Bourne Identity on her parents and managed to set them up in fucking Australia (jesus christ she literally made it so that she NEVER EXISTED wtf that’s so fucking 007)
Convinced the Ministry of Magic to give her an incredibly dangerous and volatile device that allowed her to ALTER TIMELINES COMPLETELY (just because she was so smart, literally, that is the reason, her “potential”)
Has enough basic survival skills and badass magic to literally disappear to the middle of nowhere and flourish AND figure out Voldemort’s plot with Harry
Hermione also figures out not only what Voldemort’s plan is, but generally how to beat it, WAY BEFORE VOLDEMORT EVER DOES. Why? because she is just that much smarter and better at magic than everybody else
in conclusion: Voldemort wishes he could be as awesome as Hermione, that’s why he wants to kill her so bad.
Can we rehave this series with hermione as the protagonist.
Can we rehave this series with hermione as the protagonist.
